CLICK HERE TO VISIT IT!

Please and thank you!

-Josh

I’m so very tired of my life … I’m so confused … I think I know of something that I can do that may (in the long-run) make me and others a little happier. Sometimes I feel as though I have the weight of the world on my shoulders … and for the past couple of days I’ve felt as though that may also be literal. I feel like complete and utter crap, in every possible meaning.

I just hope that the decision I make won’t ruin others lives like I’m afraid it’ll end up ruining mine. I’m sorry for having to be so broad, but this is obviously a delicate matter.

I wish my life would just be a little bit easier … something that maybe I could actually handle without going crazy — I miss being happy … :’(
I think I’m going to go try and cry myself to sleep … and attempt to pray.

Good night cruel, unforgiving world … something tells me that you’ll be just a heartless and uncaring when I awake tomorrow … and as usual, it will always continue to get worse.

-Joshua Clayton

I’m completely lost now. About two weeks ago (more or less) my dad and I managed to get into another major quarrel and because I’m just not in the mood to go over every single little detail right now I’m just going to give you all the “small” version.

We got into an arguement simply because he doesn’t know how to have any sort of humane conversation with anyone that he doesn’t either work with or go to church with. This being said, I haven’t had the best time at my dad’s house for the past 7 months that I’ve been there. It started out fine, it just seems that as time goes on he gets more and more cranky and obsessively compulsive about seemingly every aspect of everyone’s lives in that house. This means that the only reason that I stayed there so long was because it was a nice, new, ginormous house in a great community … I got to experience the closest thing to have the “real” brother that I had always hoped for … and I didn’t ever have to see my sister or her stupid-ass boyfriend, Dave.
(VERY) Long story short, my dad go so pissed at my that he came up in my face with his clenched fist about two inches from my face, constantly telling my that he was going to punch my lights out and how he was afraid of going to jail or sending me to the hospital. I was being such an stubborn, ‘brave’ idiot that I kept telling him to do so and how it would be the very last thing that he would do.
the oh so literal fight ended up wth my dad trying to strangle me from behind for a moment or two and throw me from the counter where I was holding on … to when he lost hold for a second and I picked up a chair and held it over his head and threated (and was within about a millisecond) of “breaking it over his fucking head so we could see who would be the one needing the ambulance.” About two seconds later, Carolyn comes back in from outside and starts screaming for me to not do it and to put the chair down, while my dad still has his fists in the air … and for a moment I think he was about to hit Carolyn for some strange reason, so she backed away and didn’t say anything else. Then Dillon and his friend (who had been watching from upstairs) slowly try and pull me back away from my dad … and I honestly believe it was because they were more worried that I was actually going to bash him with it. I really should have … and it took all that I had inside of me not to … every ounce of anything good that I could think about in that very, very short period of time to allow myself to do it. Although to this day I’m not so sure that I did in fact make the right decision.

Today my mom and I finally went to go and pick up the rest of my stuff from my dad’s house and to have “the final talk” with him at about 6pm. We talked and yelled and he miracullusly managed to get the story wrong, time and time again. So at the very end of our two hour “goodbye,” he decided that it would be appropriate to ask me for an apology for what had happened that day two weeks ago. I had already warned my mom what I was going to say if he brought up me “owing him an apology.” Let’s just say it didn’t end well, for either one of us.
But when I got and sat in the car while my mom and dad were on the phone changing the reservations for the orientation at TTU for this Thursday and Friday from his name to her name … God at least allowed me one pleasure:

and here is my phone in the mirro with a very faint appearance of a cloud to the left of it with a smiley-face:

(and NO i did not do that in Paint or anything like that … it truly was God’s work!)

Needless to say, I’m back living with my mom again. That night wasn’t so sure where I was going to be able to stay … if my mom didn’t allow me to come back, I had already made sure that I could have at least spent the night at Julie’s house. And to make things even better … I had to go to work for 9 hours the next day … and of course I didn’t sell absolutely anything but a friggin’ printer.

Besides that my summer has consisted of working about two-thirds of the time and spending most of the rest with my dearest Julie. Without her (yet again) I would never be able to make through all of this shit that keeps coming up in my life. From the bottom of my heart Julie, I would love you forever just for that. You’ve kept me alive and somewhat sane for the past 8 months while all this crap has been going on. I really don’t know where I would be without you, I really don’t.

I’m now working Wednesday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. And for all you slow-bodies out there, that means the only days that I have off and am free to do stuff (because I work from 1-10pm everyday but Sunday, which is 1-7pm) is Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

Julie and I went the the StarDust Drive-In last night. It was really fun, minus the fact that we got the way too early!!! The website said to get there when the ticket booth opens to ensure a good parking place … so we did … which was 6:30pm. Now this drive-in is a double feature for $6 a person. The movies don’t start until they consider it dark enough … and wouldn’t you know that that was just a few minutes before 9PM!!! I mean, it wasn’t all bad. It felt really nice outside … and since it’s in Watertown that meant that there weren’t any loud, obnoxious distractions nearby during that time … which left us some wonderful time just to sit there and talk. We had the choice of seeing either Cars and The Wild or The Davinci Code and X-Men 3. We chose the second one for two reasons: we really didn’t want to see The Wild and we really wanted to see X-Men 3. Neither one of really wanted to see The Davinci Code at all, obviously because it goes against everything that we have been brought up to believe and it just goes around teaching stupid theories to everybody which makes them think that they are intelligent and that they can go around mocking Christianity in its entirety. Other than that, it was wonderful
Because the movies started so late, X-Men didn’t finish until about 1:15am or so. And then I had to take Julie home … and then I had to drive home. Which left me getting to bed sometime around 2:30am. Needless to say, I didn’t get up today until 1pm

By the way … it’s sleepy time!

Adios all and best wishes,
-Josh

I will admit that at times during Amy, Xue, Phillip, and Ms. Broyles’ speaches I got teary-eyed. It’s so very hard to get over the fact that I’m done with high school. It’s all over. NO MORE! It just doesn’t seem real … I feel that at any moment I will wake up from my dream … and continue my daily routine of going to that same building bright and early at the crack of dawn.  6 years I followed that routine … and it’s gonna be hard to break, and I will miss people. But at the same time I am more than ready to leave. I feel like I’ve been ready for college for the past 6 months or more … and more importantly, I’m ready to be there!

I’ll miss a lot about MLK … like some of the students … a select few of the teachers … and NONE of the administrators (now that they have all changed) … but there are some people and things that I am more than ready to distance myself from. And I do realize that college life will probably be a whole lot worse in this aspect, but that doesn’t mean that I have to like it right now. I have a major issue with people getting drunk and going to parties where their only intentions are to get "crunk" or high as a kite. Too many times have people become injured in some way, or even died as a direct result of such things. Yet at the same time, I hate feeling like I just making myself the loner … being the only one who doesn’t go to these things. I don’t know … it just bothers me. And whatmore, it bothers me that some of my close friends keep pestering me to come to these "awesome crunk fests" and join in on the fun. Guy and I are the only two in our crew that opt out of the crunk-life. 

Yay for us!

 I think I’m going to get my Yearbook and Diploma on Monday … because I am most definitely sleeping in tomorrow. To all of my good friends out there that I will no longer see or talk to, just know that I will miss you all. And to the ones that were assholes to all of us for six straight years … well you know where you can go

My mom, dad, sister, and sister’s boyfriend (Dave) went to P. F. Changs for dinner after graduation. It was delicious! It was quite the momentous occasion for my mom and dad to both be at a dinner table together and invoking in conversation … I kind of liked it (past the awkwardness).

That’s it for now … When I get some pictures I’ll post them up, of course

See you all at our reunion!!!

-Josh 

technorati tags: 2006, graduation, college, diploma, MLK, high, school,

 YAYNESS!

 and only two more exams to go … Engineering and Art History … both of which I could do with my eyes closed.

 I’m at work right now … on my lunch break (which is almost over) … I’ve almost made enough money to pay off my new PowerBook! (I think that they paycheck that I’m going to pickup today will finish off my debt!!!) That’s friggin’ awesome!

 Gotta go,

-Josh 

AP Calculus … whatever will I do if I don’t get a 3 or above ???

I was at school yesterday reviewing with Ms. Sefton from 3 - 5pm!!! That has to be worth something, right? 

Not just for the money, I’m going to have to take A LOT of math in college … so if I’ve just ended up with a year of practice in Calculus … I’m going to be very pissed.

Julie and I left after the test … we debated on whether or not to stay at school or not … not too sure how it’s going to end up like tomorrow … but I really don’t care. We got back right after lunch was over … how would we be expected to finish the day without food? Whatever. We went to Schlotzsky’s Deli for lunch … and it was tasty. And I ate all of my food!!!

 My AP Physics test is on Monday. I know for sure that that won’t be fun at all. Even less than Calculus was. I have to work all weekend … no time to study … I’m not too sure what I’m going to do about that …

I’m gettin’ sleepy now … and it’s about to rain … hard.

Night all,

-joshie poo  

technorati tags: AP, Calculus, College, MLK, schlotzskys, Free, Response

I got a voicemail on my phone today at about 4:30pm from my sister that said, “I took Bailey to the VET yesterday and they said that she is in pretty bad shape; her kidney’s are failing, she’s lost 20% of her body weight in the span of a week, and she’s a little over 14 years old. I don’t know what to do. I may I have to have her put to sleep.”
Of course, this came as a complete shock to me. Bailey was my favorite kitty. Now that I’m not living at my mom’s house anymore, I don’t get to see very much of Bailey, but she still recognized me when I would drop by … I could see in her eyes. I would pet her and she would gently pet my back with her paws as I held her in my arms. I would lay in the hammock with her and gaze into the moonlight many nights during the summer, just listening to the melody of her purring. She was the sweetest cat that I have ever seen. She never scratched, bit, or hurt anyone; all she wanted was to be loved. I loved her, alot. If we have been keeping up with my blog, you would know that I burried my other (older) cat Sam less than a year ago because we think he got hit by a car. It was never the same at my mom’s house without him. Bailey was never herself anymore either. For the longest time, you could just tell that she didn’t understand what had happened … she wanted to know where her best friend of 14 years had gone to … the one that had protected her from many stray dogs, possums, and whatever else managed to get through the cat-door in our garage. It killed me burying Sam, but at the same time … I think that it provided well deserved closure. Sam was also a very gentle loving cat. But he was a but different from Bailey, he made you work for his affection. He required proper respect and devotion, which made me respect him and love him even more. I miss my kitties.

The second message the my sister left me today came about 5 minutes later. “I just wanted to let you know that I had Bailey put to sleep. If you want to come help bury her, be her at 5pm.” I got this message at about 5:15pm. I cried. It seemed like my sister didn’t care … and what about my mom? Where is she in all of this? (i don’t know the answer to that question … but I WANT to)

Bailey and I would talk to each other. She would meow from far away when she saw me, begging for attention. I would playfully give her my best immitation of a cat’s meow back, and this would go on and on for a couple of minutes … especially once I started loving on her.

I miss you Bailey. I’m sorry I wasn’t there to see you off … to give you that one last good-bye “meow!” I’m crying right now. I’m very sad …
I wish I could have been the one to do it all, as strange and sadistic as it sounds. I would have wanted to be the last one to see her before she died. I think that throughout the years, I was her best friend. I think I meant the most to her. That’s why we could talk to each other so well … and pet each other. It was the cutest thing ever.
I wanted to be the one to bury you … not my sister … she doesn’t care …

I love you Bailey.