I’m having a very hard time expressing the thoughts in my head write now. A part of me just wants to spill its guts, and the other part just wants absolutely nobody to know … and I can’t decide between the two. There is so much inside of me that I’m just not saying; so much stress. Will it ever end? Will the pain ever go away? And if so, then when? Before I die?
There is absolutely too much on my mind right now; too much to deal with. I have no desire to even think about dealing with some of it, and other parts I know that if i don’t then things will become even worse. It saddends me that I can’t make myself tell the stories. I think that I’m afraid that people will realize the true me … the me that I don’t want to know … the me that I don’t want to even believe exists.
I just feel absolutely shitty for the things that I’ve done/said. There’s no other way of saying it. Honestly can kill sometimes … and I’m afraid that this is one of those times. I wish I could say that I knew what to do to make it all go away. I wish I could say that I was just being rash and stupid and I won’t ever do it again. I can’t say all that because I obviously have no control of some parts of my actions and/or life. No matter what my true desires are, the bad always prevails. Now I know that this is a very pesimistic outlook on life, but to understand why I am justified in all this pesimism you would have to know the stories, all of them. Stories that have no desire of telling, and yet my heart is aching to let them out. Stories that I know will make me cry to tell, because I am brought to tears just thinking about them. Thinking about them could kill me if I let it. And I can honestly say that I almost died once, but there was someone there to save me … someone that I have hurt more times than I could ever even dream of counting. If that person hadn’t had been there … I’m pretty sure that I would be dead today. And the sad thing is, I’m not sure that I wouldn’t rather it be that way. If it was I wouldn’t be able to cause all this pain for everyone. I wouldn’t be able to be a burden on people and make their lives a living hell aswell. And I wouldn’t make them cry. I hate to see people cry, especially when I know that I was the cause of it.
These stories … I really wish they would cease to exist. I would be so much happier … so much more full of life, and love, and joy. But they aren’t gone … they are here to stay … and eventually I will have to share them with someone … just so I don’t explode from all the stress and anxiety. I never want to experience any of those feelings ever again … I would rather chew my own leg off first … seriously.
What has God got planned for me? I surely hope that it’s more than this. I surely hope that I am positively affecting people’s lives, and I just don’t know it. But I seriously doubt that. I hate the person that I have become. I hate myself. I know that that is a terrible thing to say, but it’s even worse to feel. I’m sorry any of this brings you down in any way. I’m sorry if I’ve been the cause of any pain or anguish for you. And I’m sorry that this all has to be written in the first place. I wish it didn’t … I have put it off too long. It’s time that I told at least a tiny bit of the enormous amounts of pain that I keep inside of me — always.
I seriously don’t remember what it felt like to be genuinely happy, with no bad thoughts in my mind. It feels like it has been years … but I really hope that that isn’t so. I honestly believe that there is nothing that any one person can do for me. It will take more than and one person can give. This is going to take a major act of God. I hope that God feels that I am ready and deserving of such an action … but if we were deserving of all the love and help we recieve, then most of us would have been damned years and years ago. I think that I’m just spiriling down into an even deeper stage of depression than I have ever been, than I have ever dreamed of.
I have severed so many connections with not only family members, but with friends as well. It seems that all of the good friends that I had last year (I don’t mean my best friends) have for the most part disappeared. I don’t know where they are? I rarely see them anymore, and I talk to them even less. That makes me ridiculuslly sad, and I don’t know what to do about it. I miss my carefree life … I wish that it would come back to me … I would give most anything for that.
For the longest time now, my mind has just felt numb. Numb to reality, feeling, emotion … everything. At some points I don’t care about absolutely anyone or anything, and at other times I care more than I ever should … and I let it get to me in ways that I can’t/won’t describe. I’m losing my family … my friends … my life … my mind. I wish this would all just get better … all on its own.
Sincererly,
Joshua Clayton
Ya, you know today or yesterday when I asked you to stay a bit after school, and I started sliding down the locker? Ya, well I just sat there staring into space for like 15 minutes. I was feeling what you just said and more. I didn’t have faith in people any more, I didn’t want to help them later on in my life. Whats the point in doing so if they just want to have fun and not help anyone. Well, later on I realized that it didn’t mattter what they did or want to do as long as I ahve a goal and want ot help people, then I will help.
First:Don’t care about what other peopel think. Just think that they’re only three more months left and it won’t matter what they think. Also, it shouldn’t matter even latter in life what they think. As long as you believe in what you do, its doesn’t matter what others think.
-second: “seriously don’t remember what it felt like to be genuinely happy, with no bad thoughts in my mind. It feels like it has been years … but I really hope that that isn’t so. I honestly believe that there is nothing that any one person can do for me. It will take more than and one person can give. This is going to take a major act of God. I hope that God feels that I am ready and deserving of such an action … but if we were deserving of all the love and help we recieve, then most of us would have been damned years and years ago. I think that I’m just spiriling down into an even deeper stage of depression than I have ever been, than I have ever dreamed of.”… you have to help yourself before theb ig guy can help you.
third:”For the longest time now, my mind has just felt numb. Numb to reality, feeling, emotion … everything. At some points I don’t care about absolutely anyone or anything, and at other times I care more than I ever should … and I let it get to me in ways that I can’t/won’t describe. I’m losing my family … my friends … my life … my mind. I wish this would all just get better … all on its own.” I have been feeling that for over 2 years. I’m just waiting for high shcool for the one chance to escape the cycle. I won’t be an average joe with an average job.I know that if i do well in college that I can escape the numbness. You know how I have been distant for you bob and jeremy? Ya, two years of it. It gets the best of us. You don’t see why you do it all, but then you realzie that there might be a bigger purpose, a chance to do something meaningful.
Just remeber, 3 more months and tommorw is another day with another mood. Accept the situations that come to you and see thme as unique chances that you will never experience again. they’re good ones and bad ones. To be sane, you have to have them both. School isn’t a microsom of the real world. The real world is the real world. What we are going through now is a mock trial. Just hold out a little longer. Stay close to your true friends, and be indepedent. Don’t depend on miracles. Make the mircale yourself. be the mricale. I was going to say mroe but my post got deleted and i had to rewrite it all again. poo.
Comment by Guy — January 27, 2006 @ 12:31 am
please talk to me and let me know what’s up so i can pray specifically for whatever it is. I care for you josh and you don’t deserve to be hurting like this. let know what’s what. available to talk tonight after about 8:00 i would love to listen the way you did for me in your car. i am for always praying for you.
in christ
love
me
Comment by sb — January 27, 2006 @ 5:32 pm
Guy, I have never been so impressed by the words of many as i have now become by yours. Wih my mom’s episode earlier yesterday, it just added to the pain … the anguish. I cried many times throughout the day. Ms. Hunter brought me out of the classroom this morning to see what was wrong with me. After Calculus I told Bichlien what was wrong with me and I just broke down. And after I got back from the hospital (it was all I could do not to cry while I was there, considering it has been about two weeks since I’ve even talked to my mom) Samantha Hymes asked me while I didn’t go out to lunch, and yet again I could not surpress the tears. In the past couple of months, especially in the past week or so, I’ve learned that there is absolutely no reason to hold back. I’ll just cry. I don’t really care who is around. I give on caring about what others think (although I think I had a long time ago). Guy, all I can say is that I’m oh so glad to have such a genuine friend as you. You don’t know how much your friendship means to me. I’m glad that we can have a deep conversation, about whatever, and then go kill each other on Halo. I wish life could be like Halo. You get killed, then you get a better gun and kill it back.
-Josh
Comment by jclay — January 28, 2006 @ 1:16 am
Ten Four good buddy Hear you loud and clear. WHEEEE!
Comment by guy — February 19, 2006 @ 11:21 pm