Josh’s Random Non-Sense!

So Winter Break is almost over and I wish that it would last forever (don’t we all). These past couple of weeks have been very hard on me. Most of the time I’m so stressed out about everything that it tends to transfer in places where it shouldn’t. Sometimes part of this goes toward either my mom or my dad, and other times it transfers to Julie. I hate this more than I hate anything else in life. Sometimes I just end up losing control entirely and just let loose. I just get so depressed sometimes that I don’t feel like living anymore, I just don’t know what to do. My actions tend to suprise me sometimes; it’s really weird. A lot of times I really just don’t know how to explain what I mean by saying this. A lot of times I don’t really think that anyone will care, and if they do I won’t be able to properly tell them what I mean by it. Honestly, I don’t even know what to type. I don’t know how to tell anyone. Many times I just get so angry at myself for what I do, for the actions I make.

Most of the time when I have a problem I just don’t tell anybody and I try to work it out myself. This is where the problems begins. I let things multiply inside of me and when they build up enough, I explode. It doesn’t really matter where I am or what I’m doing, but when that last little bit, just enough to throw me over the top, I take it out on whoever and whatever is in my sights. I don’t know if anyone (at all) can relate to this problem. I wish it would stop. I don’t know how to make it. I had plans to write more descriptive details than this, but I’ve chosen not to for many reasons. For one, the words just aren’t flowing as well as I had wished they would, and I’m getting tired of the subject already (and I don’t want too many people to know the gritty details of my crazy mind).
A couple of days ago my distress meter was about full, and I just so happened to be with Julie. This wasn’t good. We had been having a really good time. We ate dinner at my step-mother’s aunts house, who lived about 10 minutes from Julie’s house, and the meal was absolutely wonderful. Afterwards, we stayed and talked to everyone for a while and on the way to the car everyone was making jokes and laughing and whatnot, but when the car door shut … the happiness ended for me. I snapped. Why? Absolutely no good reason. I won’t go into the details because, in all honestly it’s too much to tell and too embarrassing for me. whatever.
So I don’t anyone to worry. Julie, having the amazing caring and loving heart the she does, was very willing to figure out why I was acting the way I was. When we made it back to her house she was able to talk me into going inside to talk things over (which took about 10 minutes of begging). We talked together, cried together, and ended on some freakishly wonderful note. All of it just reinforced the fact that we love each other with all of our hearts, and we can’t stand to see the other in pain (however that may be displayed). Julie has to be the most caring, loving, cosiderate, golden-hearted person that I will ever know. I love you SO MUCH Julie, and thank you. From the bottom of my heart, I thank you.
Julie also made my New Years one to remember for the rest of my life. A lot of times she just leaves me speechless with the amount of love and care she has for me. <3

Happy 2006 everyone,
-josh